#112

June 5th 2015

Hi! Today it's been a fun and sad day, both at the same time because today I had my goodbye party and probably I saw some of my friends for the last time and I met some new. 

We had fun, I guess, but I'll miss them and I don't know if I'll see them another day since I'm leaving next Friday, one week from now! 

I don't want to think about it now. 

And I'll miss my family a lot! The kids and my parents! 

I know I'll cry on the plain when I'll go back home and I know I'll do it before too, maybe right now. 

It's been a good experience and the fact that it's going to end soon makes this last days even more special, considering that from this moment everything is the last time. Tomorrow it's my last Saturday in the US (for now), and every day of this next week it'll be my last; but I can also say that next Saturday I'll be back home with my mom and my sister, I'll see my friends again, hug them and feel their love where I'm present. I'll touch them all the time because they won't seem real for me, I'll feel like in a dream. I'll be happy for that moment, but I'll turn sad and depressed when I'll remember my life here and know that I can't have it again. 

Today, when after the party I went home, I was cleaning the dishes while I was listening to music on my phone and the song that was playing said: "I don't know why I love you so much" and then I was thinking, maybe for the first time, what is love and how can you love someone and then you can't imagine a life without that person. 

OK, yes I know the feeling because I love my mom and my sister but I'm taking about love in a relationship. 

I don't know how can you love someone of the same sex or opposite sex who doesn't have any relation with you and you can't live without his person. It's like if I meet a guy tomorrow and I we "fall in love" with each other and we can live without each other. It's not logic (love is not logic or rational I know! That's why I can't understand it), you lived your whole life without this person and now what you met this person your life can't go on without him/her...How?

I don't understand how you have to ask permission to this person for everything or making plans considering what's the other person plans are; or getting mad because this person it's not replaying to your messages the way you want or is not replaying at all...(OK no in this last case I get mad). The craziest thing about relationships is when you say that your partner is yours!!! You don't own a person! 

But after all, I'm not a cold person...

#111

June 3rd 2k15 

Hi! Few days left here and I'm not ready to leave. 

Today I was in my friend house and we were talking about our friendship, how we became friends and the fact that we won't have this again. 

This guy is my best friend and I love him so much (as a friend). 

We were asking each other and try to figure out how we became so close friends; but we didn't find an answer. 

The first day we met each other was September 20th 2014, more then a month after I was in the US, we were in our coordinator house with other two exchange students and we never really talked to each other. Then I remember that we organized to go together in a church group that was close to his house so I went there; since then we never stopped talking and go out together. 

He is my best friend here and I don't really know how my life would be without him, I mean it. 

I think sometimes about  how my like here would have  been without him and I wouldn't be that good and we support each other when we needed it. I think we are this close because we had the same king of situation and talking about it brought us closer. 

He is the only person who can understand me and I'm the only person who can understand him, probably. 

I loved this experience but I had my good and bed moments and I'm glad that I had the possibility to do it. This experience changed me and made me the person I am today. 

#110

May 30th 2015

Hi! I have twelve days left in the US and it's not a long time...

The time is really flying and I didn't  even notice it. I'll be home soon and I don't know what to do, what to expect. I'll see my family again, my friends, I'll eat the food I used to eat and go to placed I used to go, I'll speak the same language I used to speak and I'll sleep in the same bed I used to sleep. I'll have my life back in a few days and then what will  happen with the life I have here..? What about my family here, my friends, the food, my bed, places, language... When will I have this again? 

This is my problem now, and I don't think it's only mine; when I left home I was exhausted because I was going to live a new life and a new experience and I knew what I would be back home after 10 months so I was like "see you later"; but what about now? I hope to be back one day, but when? I'm not sure, I don't know, when I will see everybody again. I know that some of my friends I'll never see them again. What I should say to them? "Addio"?! 

This is an Italian way to say: "I'm says goodbye but forever"; I don't know if in English there is a word to say it. 

My biggest fear when I first came here was that people wouldn't remember me, my fear was to be forgotten, like if I never expected. What if people will forget about me one day? Or maybe if listening my name or about the Italian exchange student senior in 2015 they will be like: who?! 

I believe that after you are "gone", you are still there when people remember about you; you'll always be there for people that love you. 

And if nobody remembers you, nobody cared about you. 

Fortunately I found people that love me and maybe a chance (let's just leave this word without explanations). 

Who know what's next! 

#109

May 27th 2015 

Hi! Tonight  I wanted to go running for a few minutes and when I was going outside it started raining, it's still raining like crazy out there and it's May! 

But I worked out anyways. It's really fun and thinking about jobs I can consider to work in fitness or something like this. I would like to do medicine or criminology; these are my principle ideas. 

People asked me before if there is the possibility to go to college here, in America, and at the beginning I said no, but then I thought about it and I said: "if I'll graduate here I can consider it". 

Today I called my school, I finished my online class yesterday and the dead line was today, I asked if I was going to graduate and they said that I'm good to go and that they will meet me there, at graduation! I'm so excited about it, I actually made it! So about the college here I'll still thinking about it...

I have another year of high school in Italy and then I'm out...then University. 

I'm really, really scared to jump from being a child to an adult. I'm not ready for it. I feel responsible but I don't know if I'm ready for start an independent life: living by myself, doing everything by myself, and growing up so fast that I won't feel the time passing until I'll look at the mirror and see myself changed. 

Study, job, family, friends...everything will change but I'll be the same person but older. 

Nobody gives you indications telling you what to do with your life, you have to try, fall down and then start over again until you know what your mistake was; but then it will be too late. And you can try to teach somebody the lesson you learned but everybody is different, everybody has their story to live, and everybody has their own way. 

I'm just waiting to know mine. 

#108

May 26th 2015 

Hi! Today it's Tuesday and I didn't even know it because I'm in vacation! 

I'm done with school and today I can finally say It because today I finished my online class, finally! So I'm sure that I can graduate in the US. 

Before I didn't even know if I was or not but now it's pretty sure! 

So, yes I made it but I can't say it until I'm there. 

Let's talk now about prom! I went to prom last Friday with my best friend to his school and it was so much fun! The music was perfect and we were dancing together all night. In the after prom we played a lot of games and it was so much fun and I already miss that night. 

I have 16 days left in the US and that's a so short amount of time that I don't know if I have enough time to do all I want to do or to spend enough time with people I love, family and friends. 

I came in the US by myself and I didn't know what it was going to be this hard but I made it, we all made it. 

I would like to say to all the exchange students that we are brave, and whoever out there told us that we couldn't do it, look where we are now; we made it until the end and we are stronger than before because we had went through the biggest experience and biggest fear of life. We can consider ourselves capable of everything because of this and we know more about the world that we could know before; we heard different opinions and point of view that made us a better person. 

Thank you for make this possible because it's being a life change experience and I'm glad I had the opportunity to do it. 

#107

May 20th 2k15 

Hi! Today I started the day with tears in my eyes. I was sad because I'm realizing that I'll leave soon but I still don't realize that is happening, I was sad today because I won't see a lot of friends with who I have a really good connection and a really good relationship and I don't know when I'll see them again. 

I went to the dentist later this morning because I'm having a problem with my teeth, I checked and my teeth are just growing, nothing to worry about.

Then I called my mom and my dad, I talked with them and then I started to study, finishing at late evening and then start to watch some videos in YouTube while my dad was watching the game on TV.

I can literally spend hours watching  those videos. One of the last videos was about couple dating and I realized that I would like to be in that situation but I can't...I'm not able to date because when someone is interest on me I start to run away, and now I understand why I'm starting to "flirt" with guys just now, it's because I'm leaving soon so there is not chance for a relationship because there is not enouth time. It's not that I'm scared of guys because my best friends are guys and they see me like their buddy and I see them in the same way but I don't know how to change that; what I mean is that when I start to know a guy I put him in the friend-zone immediately and they start to see me as a friend and no more or if they see me more then a friend I don't know how to react. 

I'm not just complaining about it trying to change it, I'm not changing it or trying to. It happened to me here: a guy in my school told me that I was one of the most beautiful girls he knows and that he would date me (he's words, but he should change glasses), at the begging of the year a guy wanted to hang out with me but one of the reason I didn't it's because he had a girlfriend and he told me that he liked me (I felt bad about that because I felt like it was my fault even I didn't do anything), I stated to go out with a guy here, we went out a couple of times but I didn't like him and then he told me that he liked me and I honestly said that I didn't see him in that way...and that time when I went to the grocery store few weeks ago and the shop assistance who was a friend of my friend,who was with me, asked her who I was because he thought I was cute; the problem is that I'm leaving!!!! (he's cute too by the way) 

OK there is a problem with me or, without accusing me, with communication:

1- if you are nice with someone they start to think that you like them. 

2- if you are friendly with someone and they ask you to go out and you start thinking: "and what if he likes me and he asked me to go out because he would like to date me one day but I don't like him so what I should say of should do now" this bring to a other point when..."but if he doesn't like him and he just want to be friend with me that's fine but why just me and him, that's weird, so he's just trying to be nice with me ok I will go out". 

3- (I guess this is just me) I also think:" and what about if he doesn't really like me and he's just interested in other factors that once he got it he will not be interest anymore (I don't know if it's clear). So in this case he's only using me and I deserve more. " 

This thoughts block me for having a relationship I think for ever...and I'm scared of the "forever" 

No boyfriend, no problems! 

#106

May 19th 2015 

Hi! I'm always studying on my iPad to be able to graduate and this is making me really tired and I'm having terrible headaches. I'm a little bit worried because tomorrow I'm going to the dentist and it's  a really long time that I don't go...a really long time. I'm scared of the dentist, I used to be, because when I went there they pull me two teeth out and it was terrible, then I passed out and I though up on my mom new jacket, no before I trough out and then I passed out. 

And tomorrow in going! The problem is that my wisdom teeth are growing, three of them and they hurt so bad, sometimes I can't eat because it hurts a lot. 

I'm leaving earlier from school tomorrow and then I only gave two days left of school, then I'm done! No completely because I have to finish an online class, pretty long; but then I'm out of school.