#61

March 3rd 2015 

Hi! After I went off the bus I already knew what I wanted to talk about today. But then I changed idea. 

It's not really the idea that it's changed, it's more because I started to cry when I was doing homework. 

I never cried in front of people here and this time I couldn't control myself. I start to cry because I was thinking. It always start like this. 

I was thinking about something I needed to tell somebody. I don't remember what it was, maybe something stupid or something deep but I needed to talk. 

This is the worst thing I could ever  need and the worst thing I could ever  want. 

You can ask why this is so bad. 

I think this is so bad because I feel like I cannot talk freely with anybody without be careful to use the rights words, I'm not talking only for a language problem, I'm talking about talking with someone without be judge or not taken seriously. 

I miss when I can meet my friend and spend hours talking about our lives, I miss when I need to talk and I could just sit with my mom and talk for hours about everything, I miss when I don't need to talk because they already know, I miss when someone just hug me and the beat of his/her heart calm me don't and I knew he/she  could understand. 

Here is different because with the difference of hours, I can't call people when I need and we can't talk anymore because of this and it's not the same. 

A phone call doesn't change anything, see someone on Skype doesn't bring him/her with me. 

It's getting hard and at the end, even if I see them in Skype, I'm alone in my bedroom the same. 

I remember now, one day at school when I went to the bathroom to check something at the mirror and I saw a girl on the floor, she was sitting with the arms grabbing her legs and her face in the middle of her knees. I checked if she was ok and when I saw that she was crying I took some napkin and I gave it to her and then I sat down and I hug her. She hug me back so I tried to distract her saying some stupid things; she smiled and then she laughed; she wasn't crying anymore and I smiled too. I told her what she has to be strong and that she should let nothing bring her down. 

When the bell rang I had to go to class but before I asked her if it was alright. 

She said thank you and that she was better. 

I didn't ask her why she was crying, because I wasn't curious about it. 

Sometimes we know why but we don't find the words to explain it the same way we feel it, and sometimes thinking about it over and over it doesn't help. 

Talking about it, sometimes It doesn't free you from it. 

She came back again one day saying thank you again and what I really helped her in that moment.

This is something I never told anybody, but I'm using it as an example because with this I want to say that I did what I did because I thought: "I do to others what it can do to help to go through every situation, I do what I would like someone also would do to me in that situation. 

I realize now that this is wrong in some way but it can help others. 

So here, or everywhere, when I don't have anybody I have to find force in myself. 

I have to believe that the strength can help me reach the finish line (happiness) comes from me and nobody else.